Guffer's Guide to Domestic Flatulence ....... or ... A wind of change is blowing across the apricot continental quilt

...............Now onto a matter I’ve explored before, but felt there was some unfinished business........................... and so after the usual weeks spent in the potting shed with petri dishes, beakers, focus groups and of course the old faithful Bunsen Burner I have produced what is surely my finest scientific work to date.

Several leading etiquette authorities have expressed an interest in the finished paper........... including DeBrett's head honcho whom I politely told , over lunch to 'eff orf ' all the time being careful to prod my soup-eating fork only very daintily in his direction , he looked offended yet impressed by my impeccable manners.

Anyway I digress this is a surely indispensable guide to farters and their partners, family members, friends everywhere and of particular use to bat-droppers who socialise, fraternise or.... otherwise :

This is..........

THE BEAUFART SCALE

Number 0
Description Whisper/Socially acceptable
Volume/Odour type Less than 1 Decibel A mere suspicion caressing the nostril
farter’s action Stay calm , say nothing
fartee’s action Keep your own counsel

Number 1
Description Light air/Lovers tiff
Volume / Odour type 1-3 decibels /Brie
Farter's action Remain resolute
Fartee's response Tut semi-audibly, raise left eyebrow denoting ubmrage


Number 2
Description Gentle breeze/Rumbling resentment
Volume / Odour type 3-5 decibels/ Socks - 3 days summer wear
Farter's action Keep stiff upper lip
Fartee's response Open small window where available

Number 3
Description Moderate breeze/ Personal insult
Volume / Odour type 5-7 decibels/ Underpants of manual labourer
Farter's action Use distracting tactics
Fartee's response Make a polite enquiry as to farter's general health


Number 4
Description Fresh/ Argument
Volume / Odour type 7-10 decibels/ Night in wrestler's laundry basket
Farter's action Blame dog
Fartee's response Go for a long drive


Number 5
Description Strong/Physical assault
Volume / Odour type 10-12 decibels/ Mackerel behind radiator
Farter's action Continue to blame dog with greater urgency
Fartee's response Give dog lie detector test

Number 6
Description Near gale/ GBH
Volume / Odour type 12-15 decibels/Broken sewer
Farter's action Plead diminished responsibility
Fartee's response Get ear plugs, erect oxygen tent, engage good solicitor


Number 7
Description Gale/Manslaughter
Volume / Odour type 15-20 decibels/Napalm
Farter's action Plea bargain
Fartee's response Check home insurance policy


Number 8
Description Hurricane/Murder
Volume /Odour type 20 + decibels /harmful to cockroaches
Farter's action Hire O.J.'s lawyer
Fartee's action Try to enjoy the out of body experience