Never Had Any Complaints

Men often use the expression " Never had any complaints ", usually while puffing out their chests and always when referring to their abilities in the " Bedroom Department. "
I can tell you now i've had a whole catalogue of complaints over the years from women on that score, some have even expressed their views in writing, rather fortunate that eh !?

Here's one such correspondence anyway :

Dated 30/2/1965

" Dear Mr. Himself,

Further to our rendezvous on the 15th of this month. I am writing to you with a few observations. Tea and cakes very pleasant, I could not find fault there. Visit to museum most illuminating and informative, I found your company to be rather engaging, so well done on that score. Now onto the " Bedroom " portion of the day's itinerary - very poor i'm afraid. I had been hoping for a jolly good ' porking ', but sad to say I found you to be somewhat lack lustre and your effort and work-rate was not of the level I would require. You need to work on your technique as well in my opinion. Perhaps attending night classes in the subject might help ? In conclusion I can only award you a somewhat generous 3 marks out of 10.
Hope you are well and please do send my love to the whippets.
Yours Sincerely
Edith Abercrombie x "

And another .......

31/9/1972

" Dear Mr. Himself,

I think with a little more application and self-control you may eventually be able to use your lovemaking sessions as an impromptu and unconventional egg-timer.
Marks out of ten ? I will give you one, which is considerably more than I got when we met.
Yours Disappointed
Nancy Pankhurst in Limbo x "

And :

31/6/76

" Dear Mr. Himself,

This is the first ( and I hope last ) time that I have ever felt compelled to put pen to paper in order to express dissatisfaction regarding carnal dalliances. Don't get me wrong i've been left disappointed before now, but you , well you take the biscuit - and no that's not a compliment Mr. Himself.

I regret now not trusting my feminist intuition at the sense of foreboding I felt when you assured me that you'd ; " Always been a huge fan of Anna Raybans, had enjoyed reading 'The Female Unicorn' by Germaine Green, and had positively devoured Erica Jung's ' Fear of Frying.'"

Are you completely unaware of the invention of the clitoris in 1974 and that subsequently all women of suitable age have had one installed under the emergency N.H.S. directive of 1975 ? Do try to keep up Mr. Himself, not the first time i've said those particular words to you either is it ?

Now as you know i'm a broad-minded woman and always prepared to experiment. When you suggested introducing exotic foodstuffs into our liaison I must admit to being pleasantly surprised at your hitherto unadvertised sense of adventure. I was keenly anticipating some strawberries, a little chocolate or some Len and Terry's ice cream perhaps....... but no, that would be far too straight-forward for you wouldn't it ? I respectfully suggest to you Mr. Himself that you will travel many a long mile before you encounter the woman who would find ; a Melton Mowbray Pork Pie, a ring of Matteson's black pudding and a bottle of HP sauce, in any way erotic or sensuous.
Marks out of ten ? I'm afraid for you Mr. Himself ..............it's ," The Story of 'O'. "

Yours with food poisoning,

Camilla Pigtails x "